Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Starting to Freak Out

I'm starting to freak out a bit and wondering if I've chosen the right path. I mean, this is something I've desired since childhood but why does it feel so right, yet feel so wrong? Inside it feels right and honestly, all else being the same, I'd push forward with very few reservations but everything isn't "all the same."

For example, there are my kids. Their mother and I are divorced so my relationship with them isn't what I'd like to to be. I've always wanted to be a full-time parent, but life has robbed me of that opportunity. I do see them quite a bit and are involved in their lives, but it is a tenuous thread at that, especially since they are older. I have a 21 year old son and we spend quite a bit of time together, will he still want to or will he be embarrassed? I hardly ever see my 19 year old daughter. Something like this might bring us closer, or might be the final straw. She needs her dad right now. My 17 year old, hard to tell. I think she'd be the most accepting but at the same time maybe embarrassed to bring her friends around. Next year she's off to college so I don't have much time left with her. Then there is my 11 year old a son I'd like to come live with me, or at least go to school in my neighborhood instead of his mother's. Nothing sinister against her, it's just that I live in a better district. But, going forward I wouldn't mind him living with me more, or even full time. I think he'd be happier and I think it would be better for him.

These blogs, while very positive and encouraging, also show a darker side of transition - the pain it causes others. While I'm lucky in that I'm already divorced and don't have to drag a spouse through this, my kids will be affected and regardless of how accepting they are now, who knows how this will impact them in the future.

I can't even begin to discuss my mother, Ms. Guilt and Shame. That woman would make it seem like I am destroying everyone's lives with my transition and maybe she would be right? Who knows.

Then there is the story of the Mike Penner, LA Times sports reporter who decided to transition, backed out, then finally killed himself. Is that in my future? I don't have suicidal thoughts, but did he before he decided to take his own life? It didn't sound like it.

Then there is my ex, with whom I've been spending a lot of time and her support of me through this has really allowed me to see her in a different light and honestly, my feelings have been coming back for her. But they aren't just any normal feelings. After we split up, we talked about what went wrong and in searching for answers I came across a book, 'Venus on Top,' about dominant women and submissive men. I shared it with her and she agreed that if we had that kind of relationship, that our marriage may have succeeded. We've toyed with that kind of relationship over the past year with varying degrees of success and my thoughts and feelings of submission have come back in full force the past week or so. Why? Is that the life I was meant to lead or is that a viable alternative to the more painful ordeal of transition? Am I escaping and which is the escape and which is my destiny? Should I follow my path or should I follow a path of lesser resistance?


  1. *hugs* girl.

    We all go through this, I believe.

    I know I did. Before I made the choice to transition, I wrestled with all that it would mean. I had similar feelings, feeling good about being myself and yet feeling bad, because of all the loss that would incur. It was like 2 different people fighting for life.

    I had friends from church telling me that one was the devil and the other was the holy spirit....telling me NOT to transition.

    I never agreed. It felt like both voices/feelings were from inside me. I tend to think that the side of me that was afraid was basing everything on the 28 years I had of being male...that was the standard, that was the easy route, with no loss....except of myself. But what life is worth living if you can't be yourself? That's the conclusion I came to.

    I knew I could possibly lose everything and everyone around me but I had to take that chance, so I could be real, so I could be me.

    *hugs*, just know you are not alone and it is good to be feeling these feelings and pondering options.

    <3 Jerica

  2. Jane-
    I wish I had some advice for you. Your situation is so much more complicated than mine and you're so much farther along than I.
    There's no easy way through this maze but we're here for you--and while I can't offer you any advice similar to that which you've offered me-I'm glad you're sharing your feelings and doubts. Doubts are part of the process & the only way to understand how significant they really are is to express them and see them in the light of day.
    I'm so glad you're connecting with your ex & that she's supportive--and maybe she'll be a bridge to reaching understanding with your children.

    Keep talking-we're listening.

  3. Jane...

    Just Stop, and THINK. Get off the Hormones. Talk to your wife. Talk to your children Talk to your doctor. Think long and hard about what you are doing. Read THIS...


    Then read this...

    AN THINK SOME MORE...There ARE alternatives. Find them.