It's been a heck of a long week (or so it seems). Let's see...what's new with Jane? Well, I reported last week that I shaved my legs and I love the constant smooth feel of them and seeing the purple toe nail polish. I sometimes forget it's there, but it's a constant reminder of my femininity. I hosted a writer's group last night and after the main group left (there were four + me) Mary Ann and James both stayed behind and we talked for hours about almost every topic under the sun. I am out to both of them so it was nice to be able to talk openly and freely with them, although it did take me a while to switch from "in the closet" mode to "out of the closet" mode since I wasn't out to the other two in the group. I did, however, get to show off my new legs at which Mary Ann commented "they're so feminine and look at that shape." Wow! Made my day. I hear and read that women are the most discerning so that was truly a compliment coming from her. She invited me to join her for a pedicure sometime and I think I'll take her up on that. We also talked about hormones and the changes they bring on, although I'm not at that point yet.
I'm feeling more comfortable why women's products. The other day I bought and outfit from Dollar General thinking it would be a quick in-and-out trip but, as luck would have it, the lady in front of me had $134 worth of items - from Dollar General! It kind of peeved me that she didn't invite me to go ahead of her as I only have a few items and was the only other person in line. Ah well. I bought what I thought was a nice shirt and pants outfit but when they rang up, they rang up as PJs! I could have sworn they were real clothes. Ah well, since I don't go out as Jane at all I figured I could use some more sleepwear.
Any way, the counseling appointment went really well. This was, believe it or not, my third visit and I have another appointment to see her next week. We are really on a roll exploring my past and she is asking a lot of questions I wish someone had asked me twenty years ago when I saw a counselor for the first time. I guess at this point I have two concerns:
1) Is she going to find something in my past that will invalidate my feelings? Such as "because your mom always wanted a girl, but never had one, you're self-identifying as a woman in an attempt to seek her validation." If that's the case, then what? Accept that I am what I am and pursue transition or deal with that first? The way I see it, as long as I get answers I'll be happy. On the other hand...
2) What if she just rubber stamps my desire for transition, without exploring the options, and three or four years down the road, after putting everyone through this with me (especially my children) I find out that there was another option? I think that scares me the most.
Another concern of mine is my age. I'm 45 years old. What will hormones do? I see some of these beautiful young women (Jerica for example, who has a great blog if you don't follow her) and think "wow, that could be me" which is quickly followed by "or not, maybe if I would have started 10-20 years ago). Then I find a youtube video of a 62 year-old undergoing a transition who is thrilled to death and really looks like an older women. And then I look around and think that I already look more feminine than about 10% of the women I see (I love that line from Seinfeld, "Have you been to the DMV lately?" when they were talking about what % of the world is actually good looking).
One other issue is outing myself. I'm out to three people - Linda (ex), James (long time friend, recently f2m tg), and Mary Ann. Both MA and J (we use each other's initial by the way) have said that they almost told friends, and I want Linda to be able to talk to someone about it if she wants. I'm okay with this because I trust who they tell. The one issue I have is a woman named Amanda. She is also part of the inner circle of friends, but has been out of the picture lately due to a pregnancy and subsequent newborn. However, she is starting to get out more and I feel bad with her not knowing and I would tell her in an instant but here's the catch - I am renting a house from her and her husband. I'm sure she'd be okay with it, but I'm not so sure about him and they lived in this house for years and are real close with the neighbors. I dunno but I do know that I am not going to tell her and then ask her not to share it with her husband. That wouldn't be fair to her.
Sorry about the long post. I don't know if it's better to post frequent short posts or infrequent long posts.
If you read this and have some feedback on the age issue, outing myself to Amanda, or my posts, but all means leave some comments! I think this is a great community and I've learned so much and have received so much encouragement - both directly and indirectly.