Friday, July 2, 2010

Hello World!

This is not my first blog, but it is my first blog as a woman. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I was born genetically male in December of 1964 but it didn't take me long to realize I was living in gender diaspora, although I didn't know that's what it was called. Even as young as 5, I was trying on my mom's clothes and those of my friend's moms and it didn't stop there. Through my teen years and three failed marriages I hid in the closet (figuratively) and donned women's clothing - those of my mom's and then later my wives. I always married bigger women, so their clothes fit rather nicely and a few of them traveled quite a bit so it was easy for me to have my "Jane" time, although I didn't give myself that name until quite recently.

Since my last divorce, I have been exploring my masculine gay side more but that never really fit - nor did heterosexual relationships with women. I even tried being submissive to a dominant woman and that didn't feel right either. Looking back on it I think I was trying to be gay or bi as an acceptable alternative to being transgendered - and if I could find a woman to "force" me to behave and dress like a woman, that might alleviate some of the guilt.

But the guilt hit me over the weekend. It was PrideFest in St Louis and I thought about going but my schedule prevented me from attending but on Sunday, June 27, 2010, a facebook friend of mine posted something about facebook and made the comment about "being yourself." That hit me like a brick wall. I had been lying to myself this whole time. I never felt right as a man, I was a woman on the inside, male on the outside. It was what they call and "aha" moment. Just then a flood of memories long forgotten (or supressed) poured back into my consiousness - all the experiementation, all the closet dressing, having many female friends and most importantly, not being comfortable with who I am. That was the biggie. I laid in bed last night with my memories and my first thought was to come up with a name. I tried on a bunch for size and came up with Jane. Not sure why. It just sounds right. Many of the names I went through I had an association with - ex wife or girlfriend, relative's name, or other bad association. I was also watching a classic Dr. Who that featured a woman named Jane so maybe that's why it stuck.

That next morning I emailed a transgendered friend of mine (f2m) and confessed to him how I had been feeling all these years. He was, of course, very accepting and encouraging. I've known him since high school and we've bounced back and forth all these years, but have become good friends over the past two years. I'm glad I got back in touch with him and I am glad I was able to help him with his transition. More about James in a later post.

Guess that's it for now. I'm in the research stage - what size do I wear? How do I buy a bra? What do I want for my first outfit? I did find a nice plus size bra at Wal-Mart I liked and will buy and as for as dress I'm not ready to go out so I think I'll settle for a nice casual outfit. My ex left a nigthtgown over last time she was at my place so I've been wearing that in the evening (when I don't have my kids). I'm actually thinking about coming out to her - mostly for the make up, advice, free wardrobe, and just to spend some girl time with.

That's it for now...more as I progress.

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