Happy Saturday!

It's been a heck of a long week (or so it seems). Let's see...what's new with Jane? Well, I reported last week that I shaved my legs and I love the constant smooth feel of them and seeing the purple toe nail polish. I sometimes forget it's there, but it's a constant reminder of my femininity. I hosted a writer's group last night and after the main group left (there were four + me) Mary Ann and James both stayed behind and we talked for hours about almost every topic under the sun. I am out to both of them so it was nice to be able to talk openly and freely with them, although it did take me a while to switch from "in the closet" mode to "out of the closet" mode since I wasn't out to the other two in the group. I did, however, get to show off my new legs at which Mary Ann commented "they're so feminine and look at that shape." Wow! Made my day. I hear and read that women are the most discerning so that was truly a compliment coming from her. She invited me to join her for a pedicure sometime and I think I'll take her up on that. We also talked about hormones and the changes they bring on, although I'm not at that point yet.

I'm feeling more comfortable why women's products. The other day I bought and outfit from Dollar General thinking it would be a quick in-and-out trip but, as luck would have it, the lady in front of me had $134 worth of items - from Dollar General! It kind of peeved me that she didn't invite me to go ahead of her as I only have a few items and was the only other person in line. Ah well. I bought what I thought was a nice shirt and pants outfit but when they rang up, they rang up as PJs! I could have sworn they were real clothes. Ah well, since I don't go out as Jane at all I figured I could use some more sleepwear.

Any way, the counseling appointment went really well. This was, believe it or not, my third visit and I have another appointment to see her next week. We are really on a roll exploring my past and she is asking a lot of questions I wish someone had asked me twenty years ago when I saw a counselor for the first time. I guess at this point I have two concerns:

1) Is she going to find something in my past that will invalidate my feelings? Such as "because your mom always wanted a girl, but never had one, you're self-identifying as a woman in an attempt to seek her validation." If that's the case, then what? Accept that I am what I am and pursue transition or deal with that first? The way I see it, as long as I get answers I'll be happy. On the other hand...

2) What if she just rubber stamps my desire for transition, without exploring the options, and three or four years down the road, after putting everyone through this with me (especially my children) I find out that there was another option? I think that scares me the most.

Another concern of mine is my age. I'm 45 years old. What will hormones do? I see some of these beautiful young women (Jerica for example, who has a great blog if you don't follow her) and think "wow, that could be me" which is quickly followed by "or not, maybe if I would have started 10-20 years ago). Then I find a youtube video of a 62 year-old undergoing a transition who is thrilled to death and really looks like an older women. And then I look around and think that I already look more feminine than about 10% of the women I see (I love that line from Seinfeld, "Have you been to the DMV lately?" when they were talking about what % of the world is actually good looking).

One other issue is outing myself. I'm out to three people - Linda (ex), James (long time friend, recently f2m tg), and Mary Ann. Both MA and J (we use each other's initial by the way) have said that they almost told friends, and I want Linda to be able to talk to someone about it if she wants. I'm okay with this because I trust who they tell. The one issue I have is a woman named Amanda. She is also part of the inner circle of friends, but has been out of the picture lately due to a pregnancy and subsequent newborn. However, she is starting to get out more and I feel bad with her not knowing and I would tell her in an instant but here's the catch - I am renting a house from her and her husband. I'm sure she'd be okay with it, but I'm not so sure about him and they lived in this house for years and are real close with the neighbors. I dunno but I do know that I am not going to tell her and then ask her not to share it with her husband. That wouldn't be fair to her.

Sorry about the long post. I don't know if it's better to post frequent short posts or infrequent long posts.

If you read this and have some feedback on the age issue, outing myself to Amanda, or my posts, but all means leave some comments! I think this is a great community and I've learned so much and have received so much encouragement - both directly and indirectly.

Therapy

Well I had my first therapy session yesterday and it went really well. I was more excited than nervous and before I went, had lunch with the only three people I am out to. Not really by design, it's just a regular thing we do on Thursdays. On the way there I did have a good omen - the Sirius Broadway channel played the prologue from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." If you are familiar with that piece you'll know why it's a good omen.

Well, I got to the therapist, filled out the paperwork and then the anxiety hit while I was sitting there waiting for her (not a bad anxiety, just general anxiousness) and then she came down and introduced herself and felt really comfortable.

Basically (as most of you know already being through this but this is the benefit for future readers who are wondering how this happens) the first step is to determine if the feelings are legitimate or not. If not, then determine why I have them and deal with them and if they are, determine how far to go with them and really, the only thing holding me back from going all the way (living full time as a woman, not sure what kind of surgery I'll want - need to take that one day at a time) is my children, but I'm sure that's something we'll discuss in therapy. We have to. She also mentioned Harvey Benjamin's "Standards of Care" and I found out that if I do want to transition, I am working for one of the best companies for that. Go figure. I work for a rather large company in a rather large metropolitan area and I know they have an award winning diversity program, but I never knew what they did for the transgendered (we also talked about transgendered, transexual, transvestite, etc). Apparently my counselor has already helped a few people transition there and I guess in some ways it's good to work for a big company. Now, if I do decide to transition there I don't think I could in the same department. Hard to explain, but where I work their are the field workers (very masculine) and office workers (more open). Right now I work as a trainer in the field area, although my experience is mostly office work. Because I came from the office side and not the field side, it's hard enough for me to establish credibility with the field workers in my department. If I transitioned, it would not be good. Besides, I think I'd like to start anew somewhere. I have a great deal of customer service background so maybe I could be transferred to the call center as a supervisor or maybe even transfer back to my office department. It's mostly women (a few members themselves of the LGBT community) so I might fit in well there. Never fit in well as a guy.

So, that's an update. I feel good about the path I'm on and feel like this was a giant step in the right direction. I'm thinking about coming out to a few more people, but not sure about that. Maybe I'll wait.

We all dream a lot.
Some are lucky, some are not.
But if you think it, want it, dream it,
Then it's real.
You are what you feel.

Therapy Thursday!

Well, I'm going to a therapist Thursday and I can't believe how well it worked out. One of my first "action steps" was to see a therapist to explore my feelings about being transgender, determine if they were legitimate or not, and help map out my next steps. Earlier this week I checked out a local TG resource and found a list of counselors in my area that specialized in transgender issues. I then cross-referenced this with counselors approved by my company's EAP program (on a discrete website, or so I was told) and 2 of the 5 were on the list. One was smack dab in the middle of a busy business district the other was a bit north and less crowded, so I opted for the less crowded area. I called on, I think Monday, left a message and heard back from her yesterday and to my surprise, had an opening this week! I happen to be on vacation the rest of the week before starting a two week training class (I teach) next week so that could not have worked out better. I'm excited.

On another note, I met a woman on craigslist who had some clothing for sale and bought a bag for $20. Some fit, some didn't, but all were in decent shape. I think I have a good start on a wardrobe now. There is one that I really like - a pretty black dress that fits very well. I think I just need a belt for it (black belt? white? something else?) and I'll be set. If nothing better comes along, I think that will be my "coming out" outfit, although I saw this light blue top with brown skirt combo I really liked, too. We'll see :).

Finally, kid weekend coming up and it's going to be a long one and incorporates my vacation so Jane will have to slip away for a little bit (I may still blog) and make room for Al. Ah well. The way the schedule works out after this weekend it'll be the standard two weeks before I have my kids over again so I'll have plenty of "Jane" time then. I really wish I could just be Jane full time :(.