Therapy

Well I had my first therapy session yesterday and it went really well. I was more excited than nervous and before I went, had lunch with the only three people I am out to. Not really by design, it's just a regular thing we do on Thursdays. On the way there I did have a good omen - the Sirius Broadway channel played the prologue from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." If you are familiar with that piece you'll know why it's a good omen.

Well, I got to the therapist, filled out the paperwork and then the anxiety hit while I was sitting there waiting for her (not a bad anxiety, just general anxiousness) and then she came down and introduced herself and felt really comfortable.

Basically (as most of you know already being through this but this is the benefit for future readers who are wondering how this happens) the first step is to determine if the feelings are legitimate or not. If not, then determine why I have them and deal with them and if they are, determine how far to go with them and really, the only thing holding me back from going all the way (living full time as a woman, not sure what kind of surgery I'll want - need to take that one day at a time) is my children, but I'm sure that's something we'll discuss in therapy. We have to. She also mentioned Harvey Benjamin's "Standards of Care" and I found out that if I do want to transition, I am working for one of the best companies for that. Go figure. I work for a rather large company in a rather large metropolitan area and I know they have an award winning diversity program, but I never knew what they did for the transgendered (we also talked about transgendered, transexual, transvestite, etc). Apparently my counselor has already helped a few people transition there and I guess in some ways it's good to work for a big company. Now, if I do decide to transition there I don't think I could in the same department. Hard to explain, but where I work their are the field workers (very masculine) and office workers (more open). Right now I work as a trainer in the field area, although my experience is mostly office work. Because I came from the office side and not the field side, it's hard enough for me to establish credibility with the field workers in my department. If I transitioned, it would not be good. Besides, I think I'd like to start anew somewhere. I have a great deal of customer service background so maybe I could be transferred to the call center as a supervisor or maybe even transfer back to my office department. It's mostly women (a few members themselves of the LGBT community) so I might fit in well there. Never fit in well as a guy.

So, that's an update. I feel good about the path I'm on and feel like this was a giant step in the right direction. I'm thinking about coming out to a few more people, but not sure about that. Maybe I'll wait.

We all dream a lot.
Some are lucky, some are not.
But if you think it, want it, dream it,
Then it's real.
You are what you feel.

Therapy Thursday!

Well, I'm going to a therapist Thursday and I can't believe how well it worked out. One of my first "action steps" was to see a therapist to explore my feelings about being transgender, determine if they were legitimate or not, and help map out my next steps. Earlier this week I checked out a local TG resource and found a list of counselors in my area that specialized in transgender issues. I then cross-referenced this with counselors approved by my company's EAP program (on a discrete website, or so I was told) and 2 of the 5 were on the list. One was smack dab in the middle of a busy business district the other was a bit north and less crowded, so I opted for the less crowded area. I called on, I think Monday, left a message and heard back from her yesterday and to my surprise, had an opening this week! I happen to be on vacation the rest of the week before starting a two week training class (I teach) next week so that could not have worked out better. I'm excited.

On another note, I met a woman on craigslist who had some clothing for sale and bought a bag for $20. Some fit, some didn't, but all were in decent shape. I think I have a good start on a wardrobe now. There is one that I really like - a pretty black dress that fits very well. I think I just need a belt for it (black belt? white? something else?) and I'll be set. If nothing better comes along, I think that will be my "coming out" outfit, although I saw this light blue top with brown skirt combo I really liked, too. We'll see :).

Finally, kid weekend coming up and it's going to be a long one and incorporates my vacation so Jane will have to slip away for a little bit (I may still blog) and make room for Al. Ah well. The way the schedule works out after this weekend it'll be the standard two weeks before I have my kids over again so I'll have plenty of "Jane" time then. I really wish I could just be Jane full time :(.

Update

It's been a week since I've posted and it's not like I haven't had anything to say, but every time I get on to write a posting I ended reading the blogs I'm following and that can be quite a time vampire. I want to read more, learn more and one blog leads to another, that leads to a new site, the leads to youtube channels, that lead back to more blogs. Wow, have I learned a lot about being transgendered - the most important thing is that I'm not alone out there.

What else inspires me is how beautiful some of these women look. One concern I have is getting past the "man in a dress" look. I know that will take time and practice but seeing some of the results is definitely encouraging!

I think this post will just be a series of random thoughts of events that have happened over the past week.

Am I too old for this? I'm 45 and if I transition, I'll be close to 50 before I do. Will I be too old? I'll be transitioning at a time when many women are going through menopause. I know there are other women out there my age just now transitioning and my good friend James (f2m TG) is transitioning and he's only a year younger than me so I guess the choice is to be happy the rest of my life or continue faking it. I'd rather be happy and be who I am.

Shopping! I actually did some shopping for Jane (as Al) - yea me! Last week I had to travel to mid Missouri (I live in St Louis) to pick up some boardgames a friend of mine and I bought from an estate sale (long story) and on the way I must have passed a 1/2 dozen Wal-Marts, sooo...I stopped in one on the way home and bought a bra and some panties. I was going to buy some pantyhose also, but the sales clerks were standing there and I didn't want to draw TOO much attention to myself. I had to pick up a few other things and I got those first before heading over to the woman's department. I had shopped a bit on-line so I new what I was looking for and found them with little effort. The panties were easy (basic "Just My Size") and the bra took a bit longer. I measured myself at 48DD so that was problem number one. There just isn't much attractive in that size and I wanted to buy a "box" bra instead of a "hanger" bra so I picked something up - simple and white. And then, on my way out, I saw a clearance rack with many larger sizes (I was glad I wasn't the biggest size there) and saw one that I saw online (a very pretty rose colored bra) but 2" smaller than what I wanted but I liked it and I'm wanting to lose weight so I thought I'd get it and if it didn't fit now, it would fit later. Well, as soon as I got home I bathed and tried them on - and yea - it fit! A bit snug and now I have to make some falsies (I think for now I'm going the bird seed in stockings route). The panties fit well also although I have a little butt and am going to need padding and my "manhood" is not exactly easy to tuck away (I wish I could donate it to James) so they did fit funny.

Shopping II - Something else I stumble upon was Craigslist. Not sure why I thought of it. I do use that site quite a bit (for merchandise ladies - nothing more! Well, okay maybe once when I was traveling for work but that's another story, that's how I found out about the boardgame sale) and saw a clothing tag, clicked it, and searched for plus sized clothing. Wow! What a way to build an instant wardrobe. Women are selling clothes by the bagful that don't fit any more - either due to weight loss or weight gain. I've contacted a few of the women and may pick some up tomorrow. I have a cover story (buying for my girlfriend's daughter who is moving back home from Atlanta which is based a bit in reality, which is what all good fiction writers do) but I'm not sure if it's flying or not. So I may pick up a few things here and there. I'll post with details of my haul.

Wearing Women's Clothes - Now that I am acquiring all this clothing, when am I going to wear it? Just around the house. I am not going to be one of those "guys" who wear women's underwear to work; I'd be afraid of being found out. I did wear my new panties to my writer's group on Friday where 2 of the 3 attendees knew about "Jane."

So, I do have a very long way to go, but I think this is a good start. I'm going to end this post here but in my next post I'll give you a "coming out" update, my thoughts on hormones, starting therapy, and whatever else is on my mind. That might be later tonight.

It's the Little Stuff, Isn't it?

I just treated myself to a bubble bath. This is something I never did as a guy. Yes, I did take baths to relax, but never poured in the stuff to make it a bubble bath and it really does feel good. When my ex and I went house shopping she always wanted to make sure she had a big tub. Never figured out why, but now I know.

I am confused by the overwhelming choices that have to be made at the store. As a guy I tried to keep my skin in good shape so I used a facial wash and facial scrub but all I had to do was go to the shaving aisle, grab the product and go. I think Nivea is really the only big company that makes products like that for me. Even now using my guy stuff feels yucky. I hate using it but I don't want to show up at work every day smelling like Mango. And that's another great thing I mentioned before - the selection. The fruits, smells, varieties are all great. I've also loved mango so that was my first choice and I'm glad I did. My skin feels great (except for all the hair) and I smell pleasant.

But getting back to choices, what do women need for their face? I guess there's face wash and exfoliant but is that it? And what does a girl do? Go to the store, go with a brand and stick with it. I've noticed since my "emergence" day (I think that's what I'm calling it, I don't like calling it a "birthday" but I know I came up with a better name than emergence) that I've been paying more attention to female-focused commercials. I think I like Dove but I wonder if Avon would be good? I can order it via catalog and have it delivered by someone I probably don't know. Something to think about it. I feel funny examining the women's products at the store. Walgreens had a sale on panties and I thought about getting some, but didn't.

Ah well, I think that's it for tonight. There was something else I was going to say but I can't recall. It's getting late. My ex-wife (the most recent one, no kids) is starting to come around and I feel like I can talk to her more as Jane. She even told me where I could get a swimsuit wrap in my size for a good price (I joked with her that I was tempted to keep hers the other night when she came over to swim).

Getting back to Jane

I think I mentioned in my last post that I had a lot of "dad" time. I'm never one to complain about that - love my kids and love spending time with them and anytime I have the chance to spend a whole week with them, I jump at it. Drew and I had a nice week. We went camping last weekend and spent a lot of time at the pool (it's in the mid 90s where I am). We played some PS3, watched the World Cup Finals and All Star game together (he's 10 and it's neat to see him finally get into sports) and played some Guitar Hero.

I thought for sure once he went back to his mom's that I'd jump back into "Jane" mode but it took longer than expected, due in part to my writer's group assuming I was hosting last night (I did and we had a great meeting, but it was another "Al" night) and then this morning I met a friend to play games. Tonight my daughter (17) came over and we watched the first part of the Dr. Who Season finale and had ice cream. So, it's been a great week. I've been "window" shopping on-line, checking in on blogs and *almost* bought some women's clothing today. Chickened out though.

Any way, once I slipped on my nightgown (after my daughter went home) I was back in Jane mode full force :). It feels so comfortable and I feel "at home."

Mid July Already!

I can't believe it's mid July already. This past week has been kind of tough. Not really tough, but busy. I've had my youngest son all week (his mom is out of town) and found out my ex-wife is going to be a grandmother (that whole relationship and her kids is fodder for another blog itself) so I've been putting on the "dad" face and consoling my ex. I have been reading some blogs though and I'm encouraged by the number of women like me who are coming out and exploring this - and women with kids! It is very encouraging to know that people can be accepting about the situation.

Coming Out

I don't plan to come out to a lot of people - four tops and I'm halfway there.

The first person I told was my long time friend James, a f2m transgendered person who has recently (within the past 18 months) come out himself. I don't know if it was his courage that inspired me to come out myself, but he definitely has led the way. Without him and his support I may still be in the closet with everything.

The second person I told was my most recent ex-wife. We have no children together, but it was still risky as she has contact with some of my family and we are both involved in a civic organization with which my outing could cause problems. While she was a bit taken back, she seems to be comfortable with the revelation. I did lay the groundwork for it, though, with many different sexual interests I've divulged to her over the years. This was the revelation that tied everything together.

The remaining two are a woman I know through James and another crossdresser I know at work. The latter I met in an on-line chat room. We hung out for a while, nothing sexual, but then when I got married again five years ago we lost touch. I sent him an email but haven't heard back from him. I'm not worried about that since he could be on vacation or not checking his email. It would be very discouraging if he has lost interest in cross-dressing. I would wonder if I would lose interests myself and with all the money I'll be spending to shape my body and then clothe it, I would be really upset.

New Picture

Well I finally have a picture uploaded but I have to admit, that's not really me. Well, it is me, but it is me made up via an on-line makeover. Checkout www.dailyglow.com and click the "virtual makeover" tab. I thought the results looked really good and I was able to save my profile so when I go out to actually buy makeup I know what to get and how it goes on -- I had nooooo idea there were so many layers and components. Wow! I photoshopped in the blouse but alas my limited skills did not allow me to do anything about the neck and double chin. I'll have to take care of those myself.

Gay or Straight?

Some I came out to asked me if I was gay or if I was straight and I didn't know how to answer that. I do love men and love to have sex with men. Yes, I've had plenty of relationships with women , too, but I think that was more of a biological function that is waning as I get older. But back to the question. As a biological male who likes to have sex with men then yes, I am gay. But as a woman living in a man's body who likes to have sex with men, then I'm straight.

So I guess to answer that, the biological me is gay, but the real me is a straight woman named Jane.

Bubble Bath

Well, I took my first bubble bath last night and it was really nice. Ever since I decided to make the change, my masculine products just didn't do the trick and worse - felt rather harsh and I hated the smell. So, last time I was at the grocery store, I bought some mango scented body wash/shampoo/bubble bath. I had no idea what I was looking for, but our local grocery story has a good selection of body and hair care products and had a few shelves of feminine wash needs. I really enjoyed the selection (it was different than "original" "sports" or "action" varieties they offer men) and settled on mango. Love the mango.

Last night was my first chance (I had my kids over the weekend, more on that in another post) and at first I didn't "get it." But after soaking a bit I understood. First, it felt good as the product worked into my skin, softening it and I guess moisturizing it. I really liked it. Looking forward to using it for my morning shower. It is supposed to be a shampoo, too, but we'll see how effective it is at that. I just need to get something besides my harsh wash cloths now. Man, it is expensive to be a woman.

Working Out

I worked out for the first time since I became Jane. Granted, that was only a week ago, but I had already established a 2-3/week routine and, like any guy, I was focused on getting my biceps in peak form so I when I decided to make the change, one of my first thoughts was, "what am I going to do about my arms?" I was afraid to work out. After all, I didn't want to bulk up in any areas I didn't want bulked up.

Then I came across this website...www.reneereyes.com. In it, she has some work out tips for guys making the transition to gals. She even started out with arms that were bigger than mine and now has some dainty, feminine arms with no flab. Granted, she's had surgery, but I don't think they have arm surgery for m2f. I don't know though.

Any way, what she recommends for the upper body are the fly and the pull ups - not traditional pull ups, but I guess they recreate the same work. Basically, you are laying on a bench, holding the weights behind you and then you lift up. This works the back of the arm muscless and certain chest muscles - the kind we girls want to work out. Apparently, they help shape the breasts better, especially for fillers. The fly does the same thing. She recommends many reps of light weights.

For the legs, she recommends cycling, which I enjoy, but when I go to the gym I usually walk the treadmill. Not this time. I had forgotten how much cardio one can get when one cycles and how much easier it is to read/watch TV while cycling. The time flies faster. That's all she recommended about the legs, but I also worked my flabby thighs.

After that, come the abs - abs, abs, and more abs - both vertical and horizontal.

I'm glad I found the site. My goal is work those muscles, especially my abs, and then burn, burn, burn, calories.

Hello World!

This is not my first blog, but it is my first blog as a woman. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I was born genetically male in December of 1964 but it didn't take me long to realize I was living in gender diaspora, although I didn't know that's what it was called. Even as young as 5, I was trying on my mom's clothes and those of my friend's moms and it didn't stop there. Through my teen years and three failed marriages I hid in the closet (figuratively) and donned women's clothing - those of my mom's and then later my wives. I always married bigger women, so their clothes fit rather nicely and a few of them traveled quite a bit so it was easy for me to have my "Jane" time, although I didn't give myself that name until quite recently.

Since my last divorce, I have been exploring my masculine gay side more but that never really fit - nor did heterosexual relationships with women. I even tried being submissive to a dominant woman and that didn't feel right either. Looking back on it I think I was trying to be gay or bi as an acceptable alternative to being transgendered - and if I could find a woman to "force" me to behave and dress like a woman, that might alleviate some of the guilt.

But the guilt hit me over the weekend. It was PrideFest in St Louis and I thought about going but my schedule prevented me from attending but on Sunday, June 27, 2010, a facebook friend of mine posted something about facebook and made the comment about "being yourself." That hit me like a brick wall. I had been lying to myself this whole time. I never felt right as a man, I was a woman on the inside, male on the outside. It was what they call and "aha" moment. Just then a flood of memories long forgotten (or supressed) poured back into my consiousness - all the experiementation, all the closet dressing, having many female friends and most importantly, not being comfortable with who I am. That was the biggie. I laid in bed last night with my memories and my first thought was to come up with a name. I tried on a bunch for size and came up with Jane. Not sure why. It just sounds right. Many of the names I went through I had an association with - ex wife or girlfriend, relative's name, or other bad association. I was also watching a classic Dr. Who that featured a woman named Jane so maybe that's why it stuck.

That next morning I emailed a transgendered friend of mine (f2m) and confessed to him how I had been feeling all these years. He was, of course, very accepting and encouraging. I've known him since high school and we've bounced back and forth all these years, but have become good friends over the past two years. I'm glad I got back in touch with him and I am glad I was able to help him with his transition. More about James in a later post.

Guess that's it for now. I'm in the research stage - what size do I wear? How do I buy a bra? What do I want for my first outfit? I did find a nice plus size bra at Wal-Mart I liked and will buy and as for as dress I'm not ready to go out so I think I'll settle for a nice casual outfit. My ex left a nigthtgown over last time she was at my place so I've been wearing that in the evening (when I don't have my kids). I'm actually thinking about coming out to her - mostly for the make up, advice, free wardrobe, and just to spend some girl time with.

That's it for now...more as I progress.